Journal post-
Where: On the plane to Rotterdam
He's sleeping. Not the dead sleep of the last night we were together, but sleeping. It makes him look almost human. And peaceful. We're going to Rotterdam in the Netherlands to fight on the side of one of his "brother" vampires. Apparently the rotting type, whatever that means, named Bjorn.
I'm not sure reality has quite caught up with me yet. I'm on a private jet, with a vampire, who just happens to be my soul mate...and my murderer in at least seven of my last lives. I just gave up everything I had to follow him. My job. My home. Not that it was much, really. I feel more alive now that I have since my death. Ironic isn't it? The same person that took my mundane life and gave me such a shadowed existence, is now giving me the chance at a life I never thought to have. I think..with him I have finally come to full acceptance of what I am. I am not a mortal human and attempting to have this masquerade of living as one was a farce.
I don't know what this means yet. I still have this instinct to guard and protect. It runs in my blood with every beat of my heart, but maybe it's time to find another way to meet this need. There was only so much I could do as a cop with all the laws and regulations and limitations. It's time to expand my experience.
His heart stills when he sleeps and I can't feel its beat in the background of my mind. I have to keep glancing over to remind myself that he's real and he's here. There is a barely suppressed panic that hovers, ready to strike at the first sign of him leaving again. I don't know how to go back to that hollowness. It's only been relieved for a few hours and already I'm not sure how I managed with it for two months. How was I not driven mad? How has he managed with it for so much longer? Was it because there was no acknowledgment of it between him and Jorund? I don't know. I do know that I will kill without hesitation anyone that threatens him. Not that he needs or would appreciate my protection.
I don't have words for the feeling of being parted. The feeling of something missing...the constant ache, the wrenching feelings of your stomach dropping as your heart is pulled from your chest. It's not like anything I've ever heard of or felt before. Even if it never advances beyond this, I need him near. Right now, it is too difficult to even fathom more except in the darkness of my dreams. Even those are no longer my own and I must guard my thoughts. If he comes to me..it will be his doing. I would not have anything between us be an action he regrets.
Rotterdam. Travelling. It's been a long time since I flew anywhere. The last time my father took me to Morocco and then to Fujairah. I wonder if it is once again time for me to visit those ancestral homes. I wonder if he would like them, if he would find the arid power as beautiful as I do. Would he find peace in the severity of the landscape? So alike and yet so very unlike his first home.
I find I'm feeling a call to visit Jorund's home. To walk the shores where this began and feel the spray of salt water. To be on a boat and feel the roll of the waves in my step. I do not like being on the water like that. Flying over it, yes. I don't have the seaman's stomach. Too much of a land creature.
Something waits for us. I can feel it, but I can't define it. I should tell him, but I admit to fearing his mocking. Can he understand the intuition of my kind? I can smell the magic like a tingling against my nares. I wish I knew what it meant.
He is stirring now, I can feel the awakening of his mind against my own. We land soon. Whatever is waiting for us, we will face together.
He's sleeping. Not the dead sleep of the last night we were together, but sleeping. It makes him look almost human. And peaceful. We're going to Rotterdam in the Netherlands to fight on the side of one of his "brother" vampires. Apparently the rotting type, whatever that means, named Bjorn.
I'm not sure reality has quite caught up with me yet. I'm on a private jet, with a vampire, who just happens to be my soul mate...and my murderer in at least seven of my last lives. I just gave up everything I had to follow him. My job. My home. Not that it was much, really. I feel more alive now that I have since my death. Ironic isn't it? The same person that took my mundane life and gave me such a shadowed existence, is now giving me the chance at a life I never thought to have. I think..with him I have finally come to full acceptance of what I am. I am not a mortal human and attempting to have this masquerade of living as one was a farce.
I don't know what this means yet. I still have this instinct to guard and protect. It runs in my blood with every beat of my heart, but maybe it's time to find another way to meet this need. There was only so much I could do as a cop with all the laws and regulations and limitations. It's time to expand my experience.
His heart stills when he sleeps and I can't feel its beat in the background of my mind. I have to keep glancing over to remind myself that he's real and he's here. There is a barely suppressed panic that hovers, ready to strike at the first sign of him leaving again. I don't know how to go back to that hollowness. It's only been relieved for a few hours and already I'm not sure how I managed with it for two months. How was I not driven mad? How has he managed with it for so much longer? Was it because there was no acknowledgment of it between him and Jorund? I don't know. I do know that I will kill without hesitation anyone that threatens him. Not that he needs or would appreciate my protection.
I don't have words for the feeling of being parted. The feeling of something missing...the constant ache, the wrenching feelings of your stomach dropping as your heart is pulled from your chest. It's not like anything I've ever heard of or felt before. Even if it never advances beyond this, I need him near. Right now, it is too difficult to even fathom more except in the darkness of my dreams. Even those are no longer my own and I must guard my thoughts. If he comes to me..it will be his doing. I would not have anything between us be an action he regrets.
Rotterdam. Travelling. It's been a long time since I flew anywhere. The last time my father took me to Morocco and then to Fujairah. I wonder if it is once again time for me to visit those ancestral homes. I wonder if he would like them, if he would find the arid power as beautiful as I do. Would he find peace in the severity of the landscape? So alike and yet so very unlike his first home.
I find I'm feeling a call to visit Jorund's home. To walk the shores where this began and feel the spray of salt water. To be on a boat and feel the roll of the waves in my step. I do not like being on the water like that. Flying over it, yes. I don't have the seaman's stomach. Too much of a land creature.
Something waits for us. I can feel it, but I can't define it. I should tell him, but I admit to fearing his mocking. Can he understand the intuition of my kind? I can smell the magic like a tingling against my nares. I wish I knew what it meant.
He is stirring now, I can feel the awakening of his mind against my own. We land soon. Whatever is waiting for us, we will face together.