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ruby_throated

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December 7th, 2017

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Dear Dad,

It's been almost a year since I last posted to you. It's been rough. I moved mom back up to Spokane so if she needed me, I would be there. My brother is being...well, himself. He yelled at mom the other day that we "stole" him from you. That we didn't ask his family about the date for your memorial, which we did. That we didn't let him plan anything...which we asked him many times and he did not have any ideas. That we put you on life support when you didn't want it. I know that I didn't make that decision, but I feel guilty for it anyway. I know it wasn't what you wanted. Mom insists you would want to be kept "alive" until i got there. I'm not sure I agree with her.

Mom is struggling. She does nothing, all day. Every day. She's not eating. Just sitting in the chair, watching TV and sometimes coloring. I've got her started on a new doctor who is helping, but she is still depressed and can't do anything. She doesn't like living alone, being responsible or taking care of herself. And without you or kids at home, she has no motivation any more. I'm so scared of losing her too. I can't lose both of you so soon together. And J is just being an asshole. I don't even know how to talk to him. I try. Of course, he's telling Mom the same thing. He tries talking to me and I won't listen to him. He doesn't talk to me..he talks at me. Angrily. I can't imagine why I don't respond well.

I still miss you. Every day. I still pick up the phone to text you or call you and tell you something. You were always the one that could make me feel better about myself. My plate is too full and I don't know how to manage everything. And I would give just about anything for one more chance to talk to you. To hear your voice. To hug you. To hear someone tell me I'm doing okay. Blending this family is fucking hard.

Min is falling apart all the time as she struggles with her own baggage and starting nursing school....and I don't have the room to help her. I just feel like a baggage cart for everyone else. And it's not her fault, she's just trying to process trauma she refused to admit she had until I made her face it. And her mom is being a massive pain in the ass. Threatening to pull all Min's financial support. Which would leave us supporting a family that just doubled in size. Not exactly the savings moving in together was supposed to provide. I love her, I just wish I could be...more.

GC is doing well. She's going to be a doctor like her mom. I told her it's completely nonsensical for her to do that after watching everything I've gone through to get here. She wants to do psych...not surprising. I'm so damn proud of her, Dad. I wish you could see her now, kicking ass and pulling A's and B's. She misses you..probably even more than I do. She won't talk about you at all. She's still so, so angry. She's not cutting anymore though. She's afraid you'll see it. It might not be the healthiest reason, but I'll take it.

BC suddenly wants a job. He's even applying and everything. He's just delayed. Too much childhood trauma put him emotionally behind, but he's catching up and it is so wonderful to see. Watching him support Mara through her grief and the way he interacts with the other kids is amazing. He is so gentle and so tender.

Ash was diagnosed as bipolar, rapid cycling. They've been on suicide watch now for almost two and a half months. That by itself is just...exhausting. Let alone the guilt and fear and frustration that goes along with a teenager that continually lies and steals and refuses to do their part around the house, but can't understand consequences or the effect their mental health has on every. single. person. in the family and the sheer emotional weight of it is staggering. And they keep wanting to put them in inpatient treatment, but there are only two options our insurance covers and both of them are not equipped to manage trans kids. Which means we could be doing way more damage than good. Institutionalization is an issue even for straight, cis kids. So..I don't know. You were right about the pain in their eyes. You always could see that in people.

G.is G. He still stuffs everything down and ignores it. For now, that's useful because no one has anymore hands. He needs to get into therapy, but he is also being so sweet with Ash. In that childhood boy way, but it's lovely to see him. I wish you'd gotten a chance to really meet him.

My wife is being herself. Her wonderful, supportive, falling apart, mess of anxiety self. I love her and don't know what I would do without her. Doing her expense reports for travel is suddenly giving her massive anxiety...so she stopped and just started pulling the money from our personal account. Which is putting us in an even tougher financial situation. So I took over the expense reports, but now I can't get her to do the fucking receipts even. All she has to do it take a picture...and sometimes I have to ask her for them up to 8 or 10 times before she does it. Then it's late and her travel account gets emptied again..and she goes back to using our personal account.

All of them but G have major memory issues. Which means I can't just ask for something one time. I have to ask for it, remember I asked for it then ask for it again later.

Have I mentioned I finish my doctorate in 5 months. I have to finish the culmination of 7 years of busting my ass in the next five months and somehow feel competent enough to start seeing patients. My brain feels like it's about to explode all the time. I'm just so...tired. Finding happiness and moments of joy are few and far between. If not gone all together.

I'm trying so hard to be there for everyone and it's not anyone's fault, it's just suddenly there is one emotional bomb after the other and I'm too tired to even dodge.

Oh and hey...still trying to finish the damn bathroom. And the kitchen. And the kid's rooms. And the game room. Remodeling sucks. Maybe I got that from my other dad, Mike.
Give each other hugs for me.

Cheeseburger is. Hard. I should put him down, but I can't. He's my last tie to you, but he keeps biting people. BC had to get 26 stitches in his lip because of that dog. And today he peed on my damn couch. I don't even know with that dog. But we keep him. Because sometimes people and animals you love are problematic. Doesn't mean you should kill them.

Love,
your daughter.

PS...stop messing with mom's electronics. I don't have the time to fix them for her every other day.

December 8th, 2016

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Dear Dad,

Mom picked up your ashes today. I'm sorry I wasn't with her, but Mara was. She's still having a hard time. Honestly, all of us are. I'ts hard to study some of the stuff I have to right now because it just reminds me of you and not in the ways I want to remember. In the ways where I remember the sound of your breathing, the rhythm of it that let me know you were almost gone. The way mom kept trying to close your mouth. The way at times it seemed like you were just asleep and snoring and would be upset later that we hadn't woken you to put your CPAP mask on. The way mom kept telling you to go to sleep...and I kept getting the image of Tony Stark punching the Hulk over and over saying "Go to sleep go to sleep go to sleep." I don't know when I'll ever be able to watch that Avengers film again.

Mara is so, so angry, but at least she's talking to me again. She's angry you left. That you didn't give her a chance to say goodbye. I wish I had asked to talk to you. For some reason I didn't think you could talk, but Justin said he did..and I feel like an ass for not asking myself. But I have no doubt you know that I love you.

It's weird to think of you sitting on a box on the coffee table. Like somehow a box could contain your spirit. I know it doesn't.

It hurts my heart now to think about the future. To know you won't be there to hug me when I walk across that stage in my Hogwarts robes. To know that one day I'll have children you never met. Children that will know you only from pictures and stories, like the way I know Papare. And sometimes...I forget you're gone. I can go on for a couple of hours..and then suddenly I remember. I see something I want to talk to you about. Or I hear a song that reminds me of you and it all comes flooding back. Or Cheeseburger wants to be on my lap and I sometimes forget for a split second why he's here.

Speaking of Cheeseburger. He's doing well. Complaining about the lack of catering, but he's eating and he's pooping. He likes following me around or sitting on the couch behind me. He's being very good..other than the occasional nipping. Still working on that one.

I did well on my assessment final today. At least I think I did. Hopefully I'll find out soon. I am slowly getting to really believe it's okay if I don't get perfect grades. Sometimes at least. It's a work in progress.

Good night, Dad. I love you.

November 27th, 2016

Dad-11/27

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Dear Dad,

It's been three days and I feel like I've barely had time to stop and just...sit with everything. I know you were ready to go. You've been ready for months, but we had no preparation. One day you were healthy...and the next you were on a vent then gasping out those last few breaths. I know you were ready, but I wasn't. It's hard not to focus on the nots. That you won't see me cross that stage in my Hogwart's robes. That I will never be able to answer some of the questions you wanted answered. That Meg and I will have children you will never know because of all the roles you've filled in your life, grandfather was the one where you really shined.

Mara is devastated and angry. She's upset you left her. Upset she doesn't get more time with you..when she just moved down to Portland and was excited to be closer to you. I remember you telling me that from the moment you first held her, you felt a special, unique connection to her. And I think she felt the same. She's going to need time. I'm hoping I'll find the wisdom I need to support her.

Cindy is going to take Cheeseburger. You know how much she loves him. He was just too much for Mom to handle by herself. He's going to stay with us for a month and then we'll fly him out to her. I promise we're taking good care of him. He's eating and pooping and has spent a lot of time on Mara's lap and Meg's lap. He also loves the heated blanket.

I love you.

Thanksgiving

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My father passed Thursday, November 24th at 2am. He wasn't sick. It wasn't expected. He had a stroke wednesday afternoon while my wife, daughter and son were in Philadelphia with her family. We had to book last minute flights to get to Portland and remove my dad from life support. It took two hours before he stopped breathing.

Today we had a thanksgiving dinner that we'd missed and I so desperately needed something with my chosen family, relaxing and food..and instead it was just one drama after the other. My gf didn't know my wife's gf was going to be there. My wife's gf shut down right as we were sitting down to dinner. My wife wasn't handling that shut down with her usual grace because...well, grief. My wife injured her shoulder and couldn't help.

Just trying to remember to keep breathing. Keep breathing and keep moving forward.

August 31st, 2010

Arriving

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The eighteen hour plane ride was sort of a jumble of emotions in Ehno's mind as he and Sanwulf danced around the topic of their bond and what it meant, getting closer then pulling away over and over again. His entire body was attuned to his soul mates in a way that left him teetering on the edge between lust and fear. He had never wanted anything so much in his life as to feel Sanwulf's body naked and pressed against his own and he had never been so terrified of anything before.

As the plane got closer, they seemed to find a balance between the raging lust and the need to be close. Both of them had dozed a bit and there had been a lot of quiet talking. Ehno felt whole for the first time that he could remember, parts of him he didn't realize were empty were now aware and satisfied. His head reeled from the conflicting emotions and messages. Had it really just been a few short months ago that his number one desire in life had been to kill Sanwulf for what he had done to him and to so many others? It seemed impossible.

As the plane began it's descent, Ehno felt a whole new onslaught of emotions. He was uncertain what to expect when they landed. Clearly they were going into a delicate situation, but Ehno wasn't entirely sure what it was or what he could do to help. His only focus was on making sure that Sanwulf himself was all right. Everyone else could pretty much go fuck themselves as far as he was concerned. He understood they were important to Sanwulf however and for that reason, he would do what he could, but his main priority was his soul mate.

He gathered his carry on bags and got up as the plane landed, then turned to look at Sanwulf, clearly deferring to his lead. After all, Sanwulf knew what they were expecting. I'm readyhe murmured into his soul mate's mind, grateful that they at least had that connection to keep Ehno from making too many mistakes.

April 22nd, 2010

Journal post-

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Where: On the plane to Rotterdam

He's sleeping. Not the dead sleep of the last night we were together, but sleeping. It makes him look almost human. And peaceful. We're going to Rotterdam in the Netherlands to fight on the side of one of his "brother" vampires. Apparently the rotting type, whatever that means, named Bjorn.

I'm not sure reality has quite caught up with me yet. I'm on a private jet, with a vampire, who just happens to be my soul mate...and my murderer in at least seven of my last lives. I just gave up everything I had to follow him. My job. My home. Not that it was much, really. I feel more alive now that I have since my death. Ironic isn't it? The same person that took my mundane life and gave me such a shadowed existence, is now giving me the chance at a life I never thought to have. I think..with him I have finally come to full acceptance of what I am. I am not a mortal human and attempting to have this masquerade of living as one was a farce.

I don't know what this means yet. I still have this instinct to guard and protect. It runs in my blood with every beat of my heart, but maybe it's time to find another way to meet this need. There was only so much I could do as a cop with all the laws and regulations and limitations. It's time to expand my experience.

His heart stills when he sleeps and I can't feel its beat in the background of my mind. I have to keep glancing over to remind myself that he's real and he's here. There is a barely suppressed panic that hovers, ready to strike at the first sign of him leaving again. I don't know how to go back to that hollowness. It's only been relieved for a few hours and already I'm not sure how I managed with it for two months. How was I not driven mad? How has he managed with it for so much longer? Was it because there was no acknowledgment of it between him and Jorund? I don't know. I do know that I will kill without hesitation anyone that threatens him. Not that he needs or would appreciate my protection.

I don't have words for the feeling of being parted. The feeling of something missing...the constant ache, the wrenching feelings of your stomach dropping as your heart is pulled from your chest. It's not like anything I've ever heard of or felt before. Even if it never advances beyond this, I need him near. Right now, it is too difficult to even fathom more except in the darkness of my dreams. Even those are no longer my own and I must guard my thoughts. If he comes to me..it will be his doing. I would not have anything between us be an action he regrets.

Rotterdam. Travelling. It's been a long time since I flew anywhere. The last time my father took me to Morocco and then to Fujairah. I wonder if it is once again time for me to visit those ancestral homes. I wonder if he would like them, if he would find the arid power as beautiful as I do. Would he find peace in the severity of the landscape? So alike and yet so very unlike his first home.

I find I'm feeling a call to visit Jorund's home. To walk the shores where this began and feel the spray of salt water. To be on a boat and feel the roll of the waves in my step. I do not like being on the water like that. Flying over it, yes. I don't have the seaman's stomach. Too much of a land creature.

Something waits for us. I can feel it, but I can't define it. I should tell him, but I admit to fearing his mocking. Can he understand the intuition of my kind? I can smell the magic like a tingling against my nares. I wish I knew what it meant.

He is stirring now, I can feel the awakening of his mind against my own. We land soon. Whatever is waiting for us, we will face together.

June 22nd, 2009

Sanwulf and Ehno -1

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Ehno looked at the reports in front of him, the crease in his forehead slowly increasing as his scowl of concentration increased. He’d seen this crime pattern before and even as he realized that, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up in imitation of his currently non-existent crest rising. Seven years ago next week was the anniversary of a day he’d never forget. After all, who could forget the day they died?

He’d been an entry level detective then, barely graduated from being a beat cop when his captain handed him a load of files about some increased crime and drug trafficking in a particular area. Being enthusiastic, Ehno had taken off to go canvas the area alone. He’d talked to a few of the locals and heard vague rumors about some sort of party that was taking place. No one had really seemed to know too much about it, but they pointed him in vague directions. Ehno remembered meeting a woman, she’d been the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, completely captivating.

After that, the images were fractured and disjointed and despite the intervening years he had trouble piecing things together in any order. He remembered an impossibly beautiful man standing over him, the barely there feel of a knife against his skin. He’d known it was sharp because he could feel it parting his skin seconds before the pain even kicked in. There was the sudden dull ache of fingers in his ass, the humiliating remarks that made his skin burn and the tearing agony of something that felt impossibly huge penetrating him. He could remember the sounds of screams, the flash of faces, the smell of blood.

“Detective Abbas,” a voice penetrated the spell those memories as Ehno blinked up at the officer standing in front of his desk.

“I’m sorry…what?”

“Captain wants you in his office. Now.”

Nodding, Ehno stood up, “Thanks. On my way.”


******

It was several hours later that Ehno found himself once again on the same street he’d been taken from so many years ago. He should have died that night…had died that night in fact. It was only the secret that his father had kept from him his entire life that had brought him back. Ehno had always wondered how his father had made his money, but every time he’d asked, his father had just smiled and said he would tell him later. Later has never arrived as Khoury Abbas has been murdered just after Ehno’s seventeenth birthday.

It was that event that drove Ehno to become a cop in the first place. Not that it had been easy given that Ehno had inherited a fortune in his father’s death, but Ehno had fought hard to prove himself. Khoury had been beheaded, his body torn apart and burned, his internal organs removed, each one burned in a separate brazier with odd substances. It had been one of them most brutal murders in New Orleans’ history. There had been no evidence, nothing other than his father’s body and some unusual substances left in the braziers, substances so odd they hadn’t even been able to determine what they were.

It wasn’t until nearly ten years later that Ehno found out why his father had been killed. That he’d found out shortly after he’d been left for dead in the wake of some bizarre ritual that he had narrowed down to some sort of ancient Roman ritual, which didn’t make any sense given that the ruins that had been carved into his back, ass and legs were Viking in nature. He’d woken up naked in an alley, bleeding from the runes cut into his skin, from a dozen other wounds, from his ass. It was considered a miracle that he’d even lived and that was before he managed to completely heal physically in only seven days with only light scars.

No one knew what to make of it, including Ehno himself until on that seventh day, he fell to the floor of his apartment, pain searing in every part of his body. His skin was torn apart as feathers appeared, grew and pushed through his skin. The pain lasted only moments and when it passed, a gryphon, ten feet high with wings that spanned nearly twenty feet crouched in the middle of his family room.

It had taken him two days to find the way to return to his human form and another two years before he mastered the art of shifting only when he wanted to. He found several old journals of his father’s and managed to piece together what had happened, those journals and the others he found, others like him gave Ehno the last of his answers. He, like his father before him, was a shapechanger. His other form gave him special gifts, but he wasn’t even certain what they were or how to control them. Ehno had finally managed control over shifting and of the charm that seemed to come with the new power. But there were other things, like seeing through walls, or seeing things that others didn’t that he still did not understand.

Those powers gave him an in into the underground world of New Orleans, in fact an underground world that existed all over the world. Vampire, Lycans, other shifters, all sorts of creatures that Ehno would never have believed in were not only real, but real and living right in the same city he’d grown up in; living all around him without giving off a clue.

This was where he first heard rumors about the Eleutherios circuit and a secret festival that was about to occur. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that there was a connection between his murder seven years ago and this festival; which was why he was here, against express orders from his captain not to investigate this case. He’d left his badge at home and come dressed like a tourist ready to paint the town red.

December 30th, 2008

David and Drew

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It had been almost two weeks since Drew had arrived in David's life and they'd settled into a sort of relaxed domesticity. David was even starting a little bit of his research again. Well, more he was thinking about it, but still, that was further than he'd come in over a year.

He also kept hoping his infatuation with Drew would calm or fade, but it wasn't. If anything, his feelings for Drew were growing and that was troublesome. David didn't think Drew had any idea at all about homosexuality even being possible. He kept finding himself touching Drew, eyes settling on him frequently, wondering if his lips were as soft as they looked. Usually he was able to distract himself with work or conversation, or more research into Drew's time period.

Sleeping was becoming an issue as well because David was worried about trying to keep his distance physically from Drew. At least somewhat, he didn't want to give him the cold shoulder. He just really needed to keep Drew from realizing how attracted David was to him.

Given how much effort he was putting into that, it was surprising when he woke up early on a Saturday morning, his naked chest pressed up against Drew's clothed back, one arm snug around his waist. His nose was buried in Drew's hair at the back of his neck. He smelled so good. Drew's arm was locked around his and David was hesitating to move because Drew slept so poorly and he didn't want to wake him up. What was worse would be Drew waking up with David all wrapped around him. God...he smelled good. He could feel Drew's breathing moving his ribs under his hand.

David inhaled shakily and slowly and considered moving his arm away, but Drew felt so damn good in his arms. Maybe he could just pass it off as he'd been dreaming? Before he could stop himself, he was nuzzling at the back of Drew's neck then froze. No...he couldn't do this. He couldn't, but oh how tempting it was.

December 20th, 2008

David and Drew part: I forget

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David and Drew )

December 10th, 2008

Drew and David Part Two

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On Drew’s second day with him, David had decided it would just be easier to get Drew more familiar with just the modern conveniences of the house first before subjecting him to crowds and cars and other such stuff. He showed him more about the television, explained electricity, showers. David had carefully explained how to work the stereo system then allowed Drew unfettered access to his CD collection so that Drew could learn more about modern music and what he liked. He’d attempted to explain the X-Box 360 and Wii, but he still wasn’t sure if Drew really got those.

A great deal of time was spent outside on the beach, walking and talking or looking for seashells for the collection David had going in the flower beds of the small house. The term flower beds, was fairly loose as they were simply collections of shells with weeds growing between them, but David liked them and yard work just really wasn’t his thing. Although, he did keep messing with the idea of planting some vegetables in the flower beds just to live more sustainably or something. It was probably too late to do that.

David was trying to make sure that Drew at least got some time alone and didn’t feel like David was completely crowding him. It was strange how over the past few days, he’d gotten used to having Drew around and found the company to be relaxing in a way it hadn’t been since before everything. It helped that Drew simply accepted David as he was, the silences or rambling babble.

No matter how much David tried to believe they were just here in their own little world, he had to come to terms with the idea of taking Drew out into the rest of the world. Which of course only made him fear that maybe Drew would rather rejoin the world as it was now rather than stay with him. It was a silly fear for many reasons. One of which was the fact that he’d only known Drew for a handful of days. The other being that he had no claim in Drew, no matter how much it might feel like that. It wasn’t as if the man had been created solely for him or anything. If he wanted a life away from the cottage, well, he should have one.

All these things and more were running through David’s head as he looked up from his laptop. “What’re your thoughts on going out today?”

December 1st, 2008

Meme Gacked from Myca

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Flikr meme )
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